Talk about change 
changing your day 
changing your life 
changing yourself

to eat, sleep, smoke, fuck

content with the backseat no more 

"" The framework of chemistry, like that of any science, consists of models- attempts to explain how nature operates on the microscopic level based on exeriences in the macroscopic world. To understand chemistry, one must understand its models and how they are used"

*Scratches chin*


to understand the mushroom, we must first be-come...the mushroom...yes yes it all makes sense now...or doesnt...

Money is a social vehicle that allows us to move vertically, up, or down this ladder. Sadly money, and its results are mis-coined as achievement, or worth, on a cultural level. While the two should not be correlated, as on the simple construction of Maslows hierarchy of needs, money can allow one to climb the lower portions with the greatest of ease. However, if we rush up these stairs on this hypothetical pyramid, did we forget to observe the path taken?... perhaps this is why so many, who stand high in society, find themselves unfullfilled and lost, often reverting to pure pleasure(drugs blah blah) to differ their minds from the lack of structure beneath?...

I was thinking about how daniele brought up an animals desire to prolong its gene's existence; and while studying for my chem test...I thought to myself...well on an atomic level...talking electrons and protons and such, the formation of a compound and its structure lies in the "strong tendency in nature for any system to achieve the lowest possible energry. A bond will form if the system can lower its total energy in the process." While this topic addresses the tendencies of microscopic molecules...cant this be mirrored back to the macroscopic view that us humans are used to?...
Doesnt this, conservation, Ill call it, show a will?...to be more efficient?...maybe its a bad example to compare to human will...but maybe, human will is just as easy to generalize on a much broader view...our minds, afterall are just more complex structures of these compounds that I'm reading about....every chemical structure abids by certain laws and rules, and our minds, our thoughts....well aren't they only as free as these laws dictate?...

I plan to ponder this more logically and in depth in time, because i often find myself debating what free will actually is...
I guess it started with the whole teenage rebellion thing...as cliche'd as it might be, I just thought to myself...by acting the way i do, arent I just attempting to break the social boundaries set by the laws of "norm"?....however in doing so I fell into a different, but still existant social category...as defined by society...lets face it everything has been done...and there is no way to "break" from these boundaries..because when you look at it, at me...I still must abide by the programming ---the morals-- my conscienceness--- that i was given by society...i mean I WAS raised in this society...therefore my construct MUST lie within this preset, because i was set, created by a culmination of outside influences...this is why i question the idea of anyones outlandish ways...your rebelliousness(not a word) your "free will" is all assumed, by a social order--- just like stores and business account for shrinkage, society accounts for anarchists, outlaws and all sorts of houligans...ok...thats it I'm out of hand...regroup at red lobster!(simpsons joke?...yes, no?)


I= like talk about the human mind - feel free to engage-- set me in my place i say!

please be here to tell me that im wrong, and the lurking thoughts to return...but as i watch the phone, and see it ring for anyone but you i cant help but to take these signs as something - I have written again, as poorly as it may be...and I'm at a total loss for words...maybe the whole public thing deters me now...maybe i wont admit anything to anyone but i know...and my private words will as well

First day of classes today...2 of my 3 profs-- who are russian immigrants in fact...and the first looks like a character from lock stock,, ian...and he said, velcum to calculuus van serty figh "...the next looks like a cross breed between rowan atkinson, hitler, and yanish from Ghostbusters 2. I just thought about how interesting each of my teachers were last semester...It makes me realize how much ivce learned...like from dr. martin - the scientist mogul, adorned with 16 publications, and yianna yianou the greek immigrant girl, and Lee rushworth, the no good, meaningless hackneyed pot belly slashed by me of ceeourse...and steve kilianski the hip hasbeen who abandoned the money for pride
Mood- high as hell
Music - NOTORIUS Biggie - dead wrong , it sounds like the last level of mario, where there are flames bursting from the tunnels , sara interjects, have you ever just imagined your self in that game?...
ridiculous man, so scary....mmm i totally agree with this

Date:	2003-01-17 23:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Blindside - You Can Hide It

Driving the stealth in 4 inches of snow equals millenium falcon to the mizax..chewy and c3p0 were also present along with lea...brendon trrev and lauren, i have realized that the volvo is just a different type of car....meant to skid slide in the snow. its so wierd right now i cant think of any memory except wierd shit like how much to prop the box of icecream bars against the frozen peas just enough not to fall ...the grindian likes nature...and i phrase this intentionally so cause i think of myself as a goat like creature grazing in green fields, like huge chunks of cartoon grass, which we can once again take and frame in a plastic image...my eyes drift sigh

Get out of the fast lane , if your gonna go so slow(bob marley beat)….open the window and take a glance…I say open the word if you get the chance…the way I pick at the freyed and withered flesh that adorns my sponge-like lips, who are large creatures in their own worlds(my face) they are bigger than the other entities of my face such as my eyes and my nose, and they would be like a cartoon, Richard scarry protest and he would simply move on , and lightly flinch everytime,like a snake shedding his skin, a piece of dead skin would be plucked, by the tongue, who meticulously worked in unison with his co partner, the teeth, to rid the lips of it’s aesthetic defects, which in actuality DID hinder the slugs, of alex’s mouth…we can opt to focus of other things such as the cars that move with us, like competitors in nintendo’s “rad racer” , such as ethans face as well as the stereo or even the wheel as well as my hands typing, which I tend to often focus on…amazing creatures these hands are…but more than these visual observations…are the touch oriented…I feel my whole entity, my brain, controlling each of my movements and registering all of my senses within its little hub.. for example..my brain is registering pain from the scar on the under side of my hand…the plucking of my epidermis from my lips co-occurs with ethans movements of the car…. Am I biting, violently only because of the cars movements? , Is my brain just malfunctioning?, bringing back only a memory of the pain in my right hand and then translating it to actual pain. There are secretaries in my brain shuffling through an infinite number of filing cabinets, and perhaps one secretary is on leave. Every thought I have is short, ephemeral, fleeting – but during thiis millisecond my brain is acting at absolute full power, all of my resources are devoted to income of thoughts, however, due to this liquid like action, my memory secretary’s have been stripped of their filling cabinets…like in the matrix they are gone as fast as they had once come. And your brain devotes all of its resources to thoughts at hand and can only look at a tiny, cross sectional, slide from the carousels in my brain…this is not actually what I think it is, I haven’t come to a conclusion, however, this is the most tangible explanation for me to grasp…HAH, I am neglecting my duties as a navigator, and as I thought that I should be scolded, ethan says, your supposed to stop doing that, I look at him and haughtily reply, “why” and even before he responded, like a dog, I bow my head as he says in perfect seriousness, because, you’re the map, guy, fuck. And I make observation and have a reality check , that sums it all up when I look in the mirror, I also have decided that I try to make too many observations, perhaps I should focus on one sense, such as sound, but only in my head, all of these observations should be done in a controlled repetitive process, I want to delve throught the stacks of books in my brain…ahglkj I gotta go bye.

Date:	2002-12-29 05:11
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	Ben Folds - Still Fighting It

see current mood i guess...i hate live journals...controlled fucking broadcast...one way communication...if you want that is...and i sure as hell dont...controlled methods, and statements with malicious intent are controlled, whether you notice or not...
yesterday I talked about how you never here about the word shrink in good context, well im shrinking...and no not in the haha sense

My life, is a movie, as you all know...well at least brendon. And you, you egocentric person, did make a cameo, but you only were able to audition for the part. Unfortunately, you didnt make it to call backs, just like you werent in any plays during your "theatre" career. You didnt make the part, and you just cant suck dick to get it.

creepy nick thought that liz was a boy, and when she got pissed her neck tensed up, and my eyes cut to internal view, like in three kings, and i could see her muscles contract, as her veins climbed like spiders, I had observed one earlier today, as the spider climbed like a skilled ninja...all while the noise of the t1000 was screeching in the background

Think of your mind and your conscienceness and concern as a lake...the input to your lake is the information that we percieve, intake, and understand...reversely, the opposite of this input, this tributary, allows information to smoothly through...if we lack either of these two, the lake becomes stagnant...when thinking of your thought process, our view shifts up from this underwater video..which displays each of the particles, floating freely, through our cortex .to the accrylic vangoe painting of a simple man, wearing the typical lumberjack attire, skimming, with a long pole with a broad net, the top of the lake, taking the residue that has gathered and coagulated at the top, and turning to poor it into a tipping cauldron of lava-like liquid which cools to reveal the hardened and cooled to your outcome and expression...

doctors have to break bent bones to set them straight right?...so...yeah..mallet to my head...

Im atonal - moving from one level of complete dissonance to another without areas of relaxation to smooth such a transition.

but i think i need to scramble things up (get a new perspective) and mess up my reality as i know it, so things can resettle in a more pleasant manner, create a better foundation

We're the proud owners of the most highly evolved brains on the face of the earth...yes we put them to use...but unfortunately, they didnt come with owners manuels...i feel like ozzy and his huge entertainment system...
must we sacrifice greatness for convenience?

i dont look at my thoughts as rules, or fact...just a way of organizing my thoughts, in sort of a network...for now...i need some foundation....

my mind is like too liquidy...and i need it to coagulate into some sort of lumpey frape---cant explain my own thoughts...but at the same time, on that balance, we(liquid minds) alot to so much more on the one side... with the whole balance thing...like a solid, is more balanced...but with its mass....it cant change to put as much volume in one part, as liquid can...last night i was thinking of my mind as a slide projector...like one of those carousels from which we can just freeze frame an image, or a moment...and each one in my mind comes out differently..some are like oil paintings.some are chalk on the side walkjust the direction my mind has gone...s'probably a number of things... prolly why i mentioned the whole shakespeare thing

my mind is like too liquidy...and i need it to coagulate into some sort of lumpey frape---cant explain my own thoughts...but at the same time, on that balance, we(liquid minds) alot to so much more on the one side... with the whole balance thing...like a solid, is more balanced...but with its mass....it cant change to put as much volume in one part, as liquid can...last night i was thinking of my mind as a slide projector...like one of those carousels from which we can just freeze frame an image, or a moment...and each one in my mind comes out differently..some are like oil paintings.some are chalk on the side walkjust the direction my mind has gone...s'probably a number of things... prolly why i mentioned the whole shakespeare thing

we're just sums of our environments, first of all, shakespeare was right about something....totally unrelated so i was in the library....and thinking...i think of attention and effort and mindset/thought patterns....and we all have a self, to which we can alot efforts----the idea is that the self has a limited amount of energy to spend on self-control and that spending it on one task limits the amount that can be spent on another task... and the more divided and lesser our thoughts, the more balanced...however if we try supressing our thoughts...we're setting off the balance...i like to look at everything like the elements...solid liquid and gas...balancing on a see saw, in a clear box, there are 3 types of attention, respectively....i, myself, am a liquid, if you touch, one side, the liquid piles up in that direction...unlike a solid box, where u touch it and it simply waivers, or a gas who spreads itself thin and is not affected easily at all...hmmm thought supression...the more you think about something, the more you cant help but to...like now...dont think of a white rabbit...what did u do?...u thought of a white rabbit, cause your brain has to identify what to avoid...my problem is that the white rabbits pretty fucking amusing...

beneath the bland and grey leathery hide, are the saddest eyes you have ever seen......
aG en tp sG: i wouldn't call elephants lethargic
aG en tp sG: they're also noble
aG en tp sG: powerful
aG en tp sG: honest
aG en tp sG: proud
aG en tp sG: quiet and peaceful
aG en tp sG: but if you piss them off
aG en tp sG: they're kick your fucking ass
aG en tp sG: they charge nigga
aG en tp sG: and leave destruction in their wake
aG en tp sG: you don't get in an elephants fucking way
CowboyVsGrindian: haha